Tag Archives: friends

Web log entry 100

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Welcome to web log post number one hundred! Can you believe it?!

1) First off, a little scene from my week

2) The main body of text

The bulk of this one is a script about Socrates and Rachel of Friends fame. It is partly a sideswipe at the Socratic method and partly a send up of compilation shows.

Rachel
Do you remember that time when Raph first started blogging?

Socrates
Yeah, he came in and went ‘Hi’. and then…

Wavy lines then fade to screen shots of the first blog. The style is not yet fully formed.

Socrates
But what about the time he did that cartoon do you remember?

Rachel
Yeah, I do.

A snazzy lick on a bass guitar as we fade to a picture of Raph’s first cartoon; a satire on the humorist Ian Hislop.

Rachel
… but so much has changed since then. His web log has come on in leaps and bounds.

Socrates
Yeah, but I still don’t get it and it’s still shit.

Rachel
YEAH!

They both laugh to an emotional music outro.

3) The exciting finale

The most exciting thing has got to be that I’m now in a position to announce that there will be a book released of the blog! Thanks to the vulgar extravagances of our times it is now possible for anybody to publish a zero quality book without the hassle of having to make any effort into making it good. It will be out in time for your Christmas stockings!!!

cu,

An experimental investigation into the sleeping habits of my mother

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Introduction
Middle aged humans are a common phenomenon that can be observed at a wide range of locales. From the wine aisle in Waitrose to that at Sainsbury they can be identified chiefly by the appearance of moderate wrinkles on their faces and bodies and by their possessing an often timid demeanour.

This study is concerned with the development of a new methodology for measuring various character traits by the control and disruption of their sleep. Specifically, we observe the fifty five year old human female Sharon Shirley (herein referred to as SS Old Bean) by means of an observation deck concealed in its bedroom.

Methodology
Recent advances in toilet design (Figure 1) allow the scientist continuous access to the bedrooms of the middle aged for the first time. We employ such a shed/toilet approach using the older Prod With Stick (PWS) method for waking my mother.


Figure 1 Experimental setup.

Results and Discussion
The most striking aspect of this work is surely the violent reactions from Mrs Shirley upon being woken (See Figure 2).


Figure 2 Swear words per sentence as a function of time of sleep disruption. The red squares show a fifteen week average. Blue squares show the night of the burglary. The green square is clearly an outlier. The ‘leisure time’ shown in yellow was occupied with basic literature, tv and reminiscing about teenage sexual exploits.

Specifically, the PWS method produced massive eruptions of swearing and violence when repeatedly applied between the hours of 03.00 and 05.00 GMT. Indeed, the author had to resort to the hose to keep his mother at bay on three occasions. The first being coincident with the burglary, which was left to take its natural course in order to avoid any possibility of artefactual data. The other two showing no coincidence with experimental conditions but both accompanied by identical protestations relating to ‘work in the morning’. Clearly, the middle aged are a strange animal with complex behaviour and oral communication systems.

Conclusions
The middle ages are some of the toughest in our lives. Here, we show how a modern approach to them can increase hostility between family members under certain conditions.

Thank you,

Woman makes strange sound in conversation

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A 34 year old woman today made an unusual sound in a conversation with friends. The confused onlookers refrained from querying the woman’s meaning for fear of “embarrassment”.

“It was a sort of short high pitched steam train’s toot” – Darren, 35. A number of leading sceptics have suggested it might have been a sign of incredulity or bemusement.

Despite communicating very little it did cause Darren to have a mild and short lived burst of giggles. “I really didn’t know what she meant and then I just started to consider the sound which appeared more and more absurd to me”.

According to an international speaker, sounds like this should be celebrated and we must try not to be prejudiced against them. “People will often embellish their conversations with wordless noises. Although I will admit, it can sometimes be hard to figure out exactly what they mean”.

Cheers,

Story time 3

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There is one thing that can be derived from first principles and that is that Squibble Bobble, the peculiar little alien, likes grub. He went in to the nearest grub shop which in this instance was a bakery. Gregg’s bakery. “Hello”. “What’s going on, who said that?”. Squibble Bobble is just two inches small and can not see over shop counters without his ham fisted stilts which were currently under repair after snapping instantaneously upon first use. “Any bananas”. “No”. Squibble Bobble wasn’t paying attention now because he had found a crisp. He’d just polished that off when he found another. They were all in a pile in a crisp bag that he had opened without permission. “No, you have to pay for that”. “Pay for what? Ah”. Squibble Bobble proceeded to build replacements from the assorted grime and fluff round the corners of the shop. “Good as new. Good as new? Goodbye”, and he disappeared in a fubbly squiffle of green fuzzle wuzz. The woman at Greggs wasn’t too bothered because she likes Squibble Bobble a lot and also knows the man whose house he lives in who always covers the damages which is always one packet of crisps.

Goodbye.

Story time 2

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Squibble Bobble is a strange little alien. He struggles to make friends and is a little simple alien. He walked up to an old man and gave him a buttercup. “What is that strange little alien doing giving me a buttercup”. That was a pretty standard response to be fair and truthful, and very common on account of him so often giving buttercups. “If someone give me a buttercup why then I’d be their friend”. Yes but Squibble Bobble you are a peculiar alien. No one of sound mind would consider giving a little flower to a littler alien. “dooooooaaaaahhh”.

Squibble Bobble woke up and said “I want to make a friend today, where buttercups”. The old man from before said “genuinely get out of my bed you can not stay here”. Squibble Bobble ignored said man and set off out the window leaving his things in a neat pile on the old man’s pillow. The old man tutted and set about his work of accountancy from home. He realised that his work was boring as anything and that the little alien was, while most peculiar, at least of moderate interest in being so most peculiar. He peeped through the key hole and saw Squibble Bobble peeping back. “You decided to come”. He opened the door and saw that Squibble Bobbble had built him a pile of buttercups. “Thanks mate”. “Yessssssss”. They walked to McDonalds holding hands all the way. McDonalds did not accept buttercups as payment despite Squibble Bobble’s insistence that they were “good”. They went to bed hungry.

The end.

Story time

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“Mister” said a little alien. A simple little alien called squibble bobble. “who is it?”. “It’s squibble bobble mister”. “What want?”. “Grub”. He threw a mouldy old banana out the window for the simple little alien. Squibble bobble gobbled it and hiccuped. “Thanks mister” said squibble bobble who threw the banana skin back through the post box.

Goodbye.