Tag Archives: christianity

Our Lady

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The first family circular.

As a lot of you know, 1 has been a tumultuous year for the Christ family. In January, Joseph’s cries of foul play were eventually silenced by An Explanation based around frottage, and things seemed to be on the up. The lack of affordable housing continues to add to our woes but The Precocious Little Brat seems happy enough – He got his grade 8 piano in Feb! It can’t be all that bad!! March was as dull as a dodo; a simile operating on the fact that the dodo is a common bird of little interest, as is the case at this time.


Figure 1. The Little Bugger as Lamb. Raph Shirley, ink on paper, A4, 2010.

In April I felt the “wise” men had outstayed their welcome rather. Awkward! In May Gabriel was in town for a work do and tensions with Joseph flared up again but I managed to keep things calm mainly by pointing behind Joseph and saying “What’s that?” whenever Gabriel was around. By the way, Luke doesn’t know what he is talking about. If “nothing is impossible with God” then it must be possible for him to write an impossible riddle. Paradox! Q.E.D. – Luke is full of it. June was an absolute nightmare if I’m honest. We were audited because Joseph wrote “Yes please!” on the census (that was old hat in -6!), and of course a lot of the receipts were revealed as fakes. How many times did I tell him to keep the amounts realistic? (5). Forty pieces of silver for one bit of unleavened bread! July to November is probably too much to avoid this getting a little tired. check out Mathew’s blog for some great stories from those days. I feel he overuses the word begat but what do I know.

And then of course December. Has it really been a year?! I write this while watching His birthday party. Joseph got him socks and was smited. Joseph is going off on one about being Put Upon and the whole thing is a nasty scene. Unfortunately, the party is mainly a washout due to the massacre of the innocents. Anyway, I hope you are well and I wish you all the best for 2.

Yours smug,

Mary Christ.

Creation

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One
It was morning time and I needed a shower bad. I realised that I couldn’t remember why I was dirty. Then God rudely came in my bedroom without asking and presented the most splendid tart. There were a load of weird animals like half-zebra/half-worms around. One of them came over to be stroked. Then it opened its mouth and out popped a Twix. I ate it because the sinning witch told me to with sexy looks. She looked like she was straight out of Zoo magazine except with bigger tits and vagina. It was a bit disappointing to be honest on account of the ephemeral nature of sensory pleasure.

Two
The mid morning brunch-lunch period was bloody pandemonium. At the end the woman handed me a note which said ‘I am a metaphor for sin’ which I thought was a bit sexist really and probably a simplistic interpretation. Anyway, it was all a bit of fun until about 5.30 when God came back to lecture us a bit.

Three
Come evening time I had a really bad stomach ache and very much regretted the Twix which seemed to be transforming into a bureaucratic machine made of my intestines. On top of that there were now a load of even weirder animals around playing elaborate jazz solos on things like a five piped saxophone and a one key’d piano. One of them started saying a load of totally crazy shit at me. It was really freaking me out but not as much as when I looked down and there were giant ants whose legs were dirty hospital needles and bees with senescent human faces and slugs vomiting maggots. Man this is shit, and worse than that, it went on, quite literally, for ever. I blame that stupid woman because the Twix and all the rest of it wasn’t worth this.

Yours, as ever, magniloquently,

Church synod allows Jewish bishops

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The Church of England’s ruling synod has decided that all bishops must be at least 20% Jew, but there are further steps to take before they can be ordained.

Despite criticisms that this was ‘almost as stupid as Christianity itself’ mad churchey types everywhere agreed that the current system was anti-Semitic.

Rowan Williams remarked ‘if it’s good enough for Jesus it’s good enough for bishop[s]’, to which newly bishopped Aaron Adelstein replied ‘Jesus? That tawdry street performer?’.

Since the Catholic church allowed a non-celibate Muslim, ‘Randy’ Rawahah, to be The Pope last yeah the Church of England has been under increasing pressure from pressure group’s such as Steven Spielberg’s ‘The Church of Hitler more like’. This follows Spielberg’s recent revelation that the Ralph Fiennes character in Schindler’s List was actually a subtle allegory of The Church of England.

But while this flippant parody fizzles out it is important to stress that there are arguments on both sides… of the argument:

If The Church of England can’t be racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semite, idiotic,… etc, who can be?

I’m satired of this shit,

Jesus et. al.

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A rather risqué look at the current intellectual malaise. I’m basically having a go at offending as many people as I possibly can with this one. That’s right I am showing a wholesale lack of respect for Jesus Christ, Mohammed (first name?), and Richard Dawkins.

Alternatively it might just be rather crass and banal. You decide.

Have a good weekend,

Update:

Just thought that Dawkins comes off best because he isn’t homophobic. But rest assured I do find him an old bore. I mean literally stop going on about it. Change the record!