Tag Archives: art

Why I Blog

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Exclusive reader offer! Download your free pirate copy of Jessie J’s Absurdist Price Tag pop song here now! Right click. Save as. It’s what she would have wanted.

Was that joke worth 99p considering that it is eight months and two days past its sell by date?

And now to a discussion of the important question of the day: why does Raph Shirley give his writings out for free when he could probably sell it for a shed? ‘It’s not about the money.’ I jus’ wanna make the world happier, more informed, and a better place for all. ‘Why is everybody so serious?’

‘I love life.’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.

‘I don’t need your money.’ It just seems like all the mainstream bloggers are doin’ it for the wrong reasons. ‘Am I the only one gettin’ tired?’ All I need is a key board and six pack o’ Tesco value to blow your mind. That is how I will achieve the level of blogging attained by Genuine Thriving. And all without even the most basic grasp of good prose style.

‘We get on a treadmill together, two things: You’re gettin’ off first, or I’m gonna die! It’s that simple.’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.

No, but seriously, why do I blog?

  1.  Sheer plagiarism. Blogging is the ideal sphere for passing off other people’s ideas as your own.
  2. Beauty.  I don’t need to be surrounded by sexy women offering me love 24 hours a day. I am, but I don’t need to be. I just take a look through past blogs, that’s more beauty than any normal man could handle mate. Allow me to introduce, Truth, Beauty, Beauty, Truth.
  3. Truth. I believe in it. End of.
  4. Changin’ the world. A: in August 2011 my blog received 78 hits from 3 countries, and only 44 of them were from my home. B: I rule your dreams.

‘I want the world to be a better place because I was here’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.

When I sit down to write a blog post, I don’t think ‘right, now lets produce another masterpiece of insight for the grateful masses’. I don’t think. Period. I watch this Will Smith video:

I recommend watching it through.

cu,

‘The universe is not a thing that is gonna push us around’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock, while orbiting the sun.

‘True greatness…’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock, while promoting Hancock.

‘I study the patterns of the universe’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.

‘There’s a flow to the universe that I’ve learned to… you know… to just go with it’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.

‘You can’t be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that’s ever gonna be constant’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock and Wild Wild West.

The Mona Lisa

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The Mona Lisa is the best painting in the world. And a great improvement on the earlier pornographic version. It was done by the best painter in the world (Leonardo da Vinci) and the title was written by the best writer in the world (William Shakespeare). And it has been seen by the best people in the world. Including The Great British Public and Albert Einstein. When I do this at weddings I get a huge cheer for the former and a lone cheer for the latter from some weird guy who loves Einstein.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the helicopter and to do that you need the internal combustion engine and you can’t really have a helicopter without lights and nowadays the internet. He foresaw the lot.

Unfortunately, despite all that, he was a bit of a dick. He was always playing pranks on the various young artists who respected and admired him. I remember one wet Sunday afternoon, a young boy by the name of MICHELANGELO! DI LUDOVICO! BUONARROTI! SIMONI! (that’s MICHELANGELO!!! (the artist!)) came in to ask how to paint cats.1 Michelangelo, aged only five years, and young for his age, told Leonardo what a huge fan he was and asked if he might have an autograph? Leonardo told him to ‘fuck off you little shit’. Then he pulled his pants down, smacked his bottom and sent him home to his ‘mummy’.


Figure 1 A somewhat cheeky and amusing subversion of The Mona Lisa. Taken from www.freaking news.com.

No. By far the most lasting impact of Leonardo has been on the ‘prank postcard’. Since 1883, when a precocious young novelties seller first added a pipe to the sublime image, the field has seen numerous revelatory juxtapositions such as a mohican, a joint, and even, a bong. You yourself can try adding a bong to masterpieces. It’s irreverent and fun so give it a go. Bong.

Cheers,

1 The question ‘How to paint cats?’ is here distinct from the question ‘Why paint cats?’. See www.whypaintcats.com for more information.