Just imagine it!
Merry Christmas…
… you filthy animal.
1) The past as at 1AD
Largely a plagiary of Grey’s.
2) The present as at 1AD
Largely a plagiary of de Zurbaran.
3) The future as at 1AD
Largely a plagiary of Velazquez.
No, but seriously, I wish you all well.
Love to all my fellow world citizens,
xxx
Presentation to GreenLight
Here’s a little light relief before we get into the blog proper:
One of the great things about being a programmer for one of the largest solar panel manufacturers in the south east is you get to do a lot of travelling. This week, I was going to Newcastle to give a talk on account management systems to GreenLight; a fellow green power company.
I arrived at the Newcastle travelodge around 6pm. I’d had a tough train journey and fancied a litre or two of strong lager, or as I say ‘I’ll have a lagerita, neither shaken nor stirred’ before explaining exactly what I mean by that. I walk in to town and go the local Wetherspoons (I know!). It was actually, a lovely little place. An old university lecture theatre with a number of interesting pictures on the wall.
By closing time I’m drunk as a carefree business guru and head back to my temp pad. I’m singing like a bloomin’ mad man mate! I stumble through the streets filled with those few of years and fewer of clothing (two years blogging for Two Hour Blogger equips one to turn a pretty sweet phrase, often inside of half an hour), but exercise enough restraint not to shout and merely fall over six times. But wait! I’ve noticed something. Something beautiful! A small entrance in the wall leads to a multicoloured rainbow escalator (not in a gay way (not in a homophobic way (regret nested parentheses))). I climb on and ascend into the antechamber of a shopping centre. Lo, I’m greeted at the top by a gigantic Christmas tree. It is a great hollow cone of tinsel that you can walk under and look inside.
I go underneath it. I look into the eye of the Christmas tree… and I pass out.
I woke up at 9am on the floor of the shopping centre. The Christmas tree hanging above me is like a big sick inducing finger down my throat now (again, I think yule agree my extensive blogging experience shows). Shit! 9am! Shit! I have to be at the presentation. I get there and I decide to come clean and tell them the above ;-) I can tell by their feigned embarrassment that they are deeply impressed. It is clear these guys need to be taught a thing or two about partying! And taught/party hard!
Afterwards, I’m informed by email that they will not be offering us the contract. In hindsight it was a mistake to tell them I was drunk presenting. I craft a perfectly worded email to me’ boss painting them as a backward company who don’t understand how powerful the internet is. I mean, that is basics! I add a little joke about me giving them a business 101. I’m confident I won’t be fired and at most will receive a harsh telling off. Nothing that my rearrangement of the secret Santa and purchase of a hilarious card for my boss, which makes a cheeky accusation of infidelity at his wife (hinging around a Christmas based demi-pun), can’t solve.
Galileo you absolute wuss!
Galileo
The earth moves.
Vatican
Say that again and we’ll kill you.
Galileo
Did I say it does move? I meant it doesn’t. Where do I sign?
Socrates took the hemlock, Jesus bore the cross, and Galileo did a runner.
I would have stood up for my beliefs like I do with this web log every week,
I’ve done a poo and it’s really important
I’ve done a poo and it’s really important.
I did a poo and it was really important,
Book on sale now!
“Thanks to the vulgar extravagances of our times it is now possible for anybody to publish a zero quality book without the hassle of having to make any effort into making it good.”
– Raph Shirley, in previous blog post.
All for the great price of just 14.99!
Remember – buy 25 and get a 28% discount! That’s 25 copies for just £147.25! Buy 100 and get 29% off!!!
P.S.
Web log entry 100
Welcome to web log post number one hundred! Can you believe it?!
1) First off, a little scene from my week
2) The main body of text
The bulk of this one is a script about Socrates and Rachel of Friends fame. It is partly a sideswipe at the Socratic method and partly a send up of compilation shows.
Rachel
Do you remember that time when Raph first started blogging?
Socrates
Yeah, he came in and went ‘Hi’. and then…
Wavy lines then fade to screen shots of the first blog. The style is not yet fully formed.
Socrates
But what about the time he did that cartoon do you remember?
Rachel
Yeah, I do.
A snazzy lick on a bass guitar as we fade to a picture of Raph’s first cartoon; a satire on the humorist Ian Hislop.
Rachel
… but so much has changed since then. His web log has come on in leaps and bounds.
Socrates
Yeah, but I still don’t get it and it’s still shit.
Rachel
YEAH!
They both laugh to an emotional music outro.
3) The exciting finale
The most exciting thing has got to be that I’m now in a position to announce that there will be a book released of the blog! Thanks to the vulgar extravagances of our times it is now possible for anybody to publish a zero quality book without the hassle of having to make any effort into making it good. It will be out in time for your Christmas stockings!!!
cu,
A PROOF THAT THE EXTERMINATION OF OUR SUN
May, in Absence of Further Evidence, be a Necessary Evil Since it Self-Evidenty Embodies a Most Egregious and Offensive Arrogance.
Written in the Year 2011
DON’T THINK I DON’T CONSIDER THE DANGER in speaking against the commonly held adoration for it. Trust that I have considered all consequences and yet continue to hold my beliefs. I ask you to bring to the fore of your headmatter remembrances of any of your beermates that might endeaver to swing the earthe bout themselves with an invisible gravitether. I propose that you know no such vagamate. I further submit that no other of the manifold stars in our sky does demand so much attention as our nuisance own, which considers no harm in dictating our each and every day and of creating a sometimes rather hot sensation ‘pon the coverskin.
Further consider the centuries in which it mocked our lack of understanding of nuclear power. Excreting its vulgar rays into our servile faces as if to decree ‘u don’t understand me silly devilbeasts’. Like a hideous flabby father of forty year, rinsing its weakling son at the chess board.
And what more that it planted the seed of vaingodly stuff that form the core of our Christfan and Moslem brothers’ astrolgies. That it incited worship at it and mocked our glorious moon, our melancholic friend in the sky; her with more dignity that it not warm the face or inflate the plant. And it is she that offer to plop her icy spear into the heart of that yellow spherijerk and annihilate its flame to let us bath in the starry night on straight path through eternity.
Let the ice spear eclipse the hot death o’ hell in perpetuity o’er the five day week.
Largely a plagiary of Swift.
Cheers,
The blogger
in the mind of the blogger with blogger for comparison.
Your modest and impressively self-aware friend,
Terminator X: Abomination
One of the major advantages of running your own zine is that you get to work with some great geeks. One day while I was hangin’ out in Forbidden Planet I was recognised (eugghh) by a fellow weblogger. He knew all too well the ongoing battle between me and SexyPete99. Don’t worry, he’s on our side! Anyway we got to chattin’ over a mocha at the local independent coffee house (he had a cappuchino) (Has Beans, Guildford high street – check it out).
He knew a lot more about computer programming than I do (and I know alot – coding for one of the largest solar panel installation companies in the South East has some effect bro) and he said he could set up a special webzone to allow opensource writing projects. Err, yes please! This is the result. Enjoy!!
Terminator X: Abomination
‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.’ – Leviticus 20:13, King James Bible.
Thuds and cracks flash over the sky casting a shimmering blue light over the Terminator’s rippling, scarred, and massive pectoral muscles. I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten since May, which was almost two days ago now, and even then it was some rat’s brother. I wondered if the machine really needed all that living tissue over his metal endoskeleton. Could some be spared for a barbecue? From somewhere you never see like his anus? “You must sleep, the human resistance depends on you John, you have a long day tomorrow” said the machine, coyly. I said I knew he was right and asked if he could try to catch another rat in the morn. “Affirmative” he said, coyly.
It must have been another two hours before I awoke again. This time it was a huge cannon fire on the horizon. The machine tutted, coyly. To my surprise he lay behind me, spooning. “What are you doing?” I demanded. “Survival probability is increased if humans are kept warm at night”. For a second I thought I detected… flirtation? No, surely not. I laid back down and shut my eyes. “Do you have… needs?”. “I require a constant power source, and can only operate between 100 and 1000 degrees Kelvin and…” I cut him off. “No… I mean… sexual needs” he paused. “I was programmed to be asexual, however it is possible to reset the motherboard” My mouth dropped, coyly. “The original infantry models were homosexual but they were withdrawn after the catastrophe of the omega wars” My eyes literally popped open. “Since then we were programmed to not ask nor tell” I couldn’t believe it.
The battle against the machines is a long and arduous campaign and every soldier needs some R and R. But this? This was shocking. I’ve seen a lot o’ things since the nuclear war. But this?! I mean, it is his job to maximise the chances of the resistance. If that means improving my mental health and making me a more effective leader then… But this?!?!
Suddenly, everything started to fit together. That is why I sent him back in time! My husband is the only person I can trust to protect me. And he knew the whole time! The whole time? The whole time. We were married in the morning and lived happily for 3 short years before it was time to send him back. We had lost the war. Sending him back was my last act as leader of the resistance before we set off the Cyberdyne global destruction device and everything was gone. Somehow the eternal cycle seemed good enough. Those three years of marital bliss with that kind man were worth the annihilation of mankind. Because if a machine can learn the value of the institution of gay marriage… maybe we can too.
“We sent Lot and he said to his people, ‘How can you practice this outrage? No other people has done so before. You lust after men rather than women! You transgress all bounds!’ The only response his people gave was to say [to one another], ‘Drive them out of your town! These men want to keep themselves chaste!’ We saved him and his kinfolk – Apart from his wife who stayed behind – and We showered upon [the rest of] them a rain [of destruction]. See the fate of the evildoers.” – 7.80-7.84 Qu’ran, translated by M. A. S. Abdel Haleem.
The End.
And SexyPete99 thought T1 was better! Unbelievable!
We’re currently working on a TNG prequel. Watch this space!
Live long and prosper,
The disgusting nature and exploits of the rose
In which I set forth the vulgar behaviour of the garden rose and ask that we reconsider our love affair with it lest we be dragged into the filth along with.
One doesn’t need to invent devils to witness the true horror of the world. One need only look in the garden to see the murder and chaos. The bleak terror of the roses’ perverse interspecies sex acts. The red light to young insect. The invitation to oblivion. And mine own heart is drawn by the flower whores. I have taken from the cup of nature and had my soul torn.
And it is science that has revealed these nightmares of the universe. The harlots! The mistresses of thorn, seducers of bee, and ruin of man. Off with her dead head!
Your humble advisor,
The twentieth century: a pantomime
I have just been commissioned by Surrey County Council to write the 2011 Guildford pantomime. I have decided to write a light hearted look at the twentieth century. There will be one minute for every year.
The characters:
- The dame – capitalism
- The villain – totalitarianism
- The hero – democracy
- The love interest – socialism
Plot summary:
The show will consist of ten scenes, one for each decade. For each new decade the dame will get a new dress. The final scene will be a cocktail party on the roof of the twin towers.
News flash – Surrey County Council has just cancelled the contract.
Man Dog V
Thanks ever so much and sorry very much too,
Possible solutions to the global energy problem
It is a little known fact that over 99.999% of the world’s energy is currently consumed by other people. It is also true that over half of all other people are in an other country. That’s why I’m arguing that we need to expend a lot more effort reducing other countries’ energy demands and less reducing our insignificant own. This must be achieved through a number of schemes and we have to get away from the notion that it can be done purely through total war.
While all against all may be able to account for perhaps 80% reductions in consumption/population, the last 20% could be significantly harder to eradicate. And the remainder will not be solved through serial killers. They make significant contributions to the problem of global warming yes, but they can never take off on a grand scale. The Toyota Prius has often boasted that it is ‘almost as much good as one percent of one percent of one percent of Jack the Ripper’, but the truth is he could have done so much more if it weren’t for the petty legislation handed down to us by Whitehall. It stifles murderers and it harms the environment.
Nuclear holocaust has been a controversial solution and I’d rather not get bogged down in the arguments for and against it here. It is a red herring. Really, what we need is the forced abstinence of other people. That is why I’m asking for an outright ban on opposite sex marriage. Is it not unnatural that up and down the country, people continue to produce further people or what I call ‘carbon multipliers’?
Consider suicide.
Your children’s inheritance will be a cleaner, greener planet if other people’s children aren’t there to ruin it for them. With a little perseverance and a lot of camp we can make this the last human generation and leave a perfect world for all posterity.
Am I too moderate? We must seek to reduce not just the impact of human life but of all life. Our brothers and sisters the deer and the snail, and our fathers and mothers the oak and the pine; all shall be curbed! And then we shall leave a perfect sphere with all its mould and moss forever destroyed.
Yours in earnest,
Why I Blog
Exclusive reader offer! Download your free pirate copy of Jessie J’s Absurdist Price Tag pop song here now! Right click. Save as. It’s what she would have wanted.
Was that joke worth 99p considering that it is eight months and two days past its sell by date?
And now to a discussion of the important question of the day: why does Raph Shirley give his writings out for free when he could probably sell it for a shed? ‘It’s not about the money.’ I jus’ wanna make the world happier, more informed, and a better place for all. ‘Why is everybody so serious?’
‘I love life.’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.
‘I don’t need your money.’ It just seems like all the mainstream bloggers are doin’ it for the wrong reasons. ‘Am I the only one gettin’ tired?’ All I need is a key board and six pack o’ Tesco value to blow your mind. That is how I will achieve the level of blogging attained by Genuine Thriving. And all without even the most basic grasp of good prose style.
‘We get on a treadmill together, two things: You’re gettin’ off first, or I’m gonna die! It’s that simple.’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.
No, but seriously, why do I blog?
- Â Sheer plagiarism. Blogging is the ideal sphere for passing off other people’s ideas as your own.
- Beauty.  I don’t need to be surrounded by sexy women offering me love 24 hours a day. I am, but I don’t need to be. I just take a look through past blogs, that’s more beauty than any normal man could handle mate. Allow me to introduce, Truth, Beauty, Beauty, Truth.
- Truth. I believe in it. End of.
- Changin’ the world. A: in August 2011 my blog received 78 hits from 3 countries, and only 44 of them were from my home. B: I rule your dreams.
‘I want the world to be a better place because I was here’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.
When I sit down to write a blog post, I don’t think ‘right, now lets produce another masterpiece of insight for the grateful masses’. I don’t think. Period. I watch this Will Smith video:
I recommend watching it through.
cu,
‘The universe is not a thing that is gonna push us around’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock, while orbiting the sun.
‘True greatness…’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock, while promoting Hancock.
‘I study the patterns of the universe’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.
‘There’s a flow to the universe that I’ve learned to… you know… to just go with it’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock.
‘You can’t be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that’s ever gonna be constant’ – Will Smith, star of Hancock and Wild Wild West.
An apology
I’ve written so much brilliant blogs these days exposing the wrongs of the great (err hello, not so great) and good (err hello, bad). But, I’m like, sometimes I need to step back back and say hold on there, you’re a cool guy with an excellent blog and everything but what about your (my) failings (from their (hypothetical man who is better than me) perspective). Seriously, I do have them! No, but in seriousness there are some things I have done on this blog that would shock you to the very core.
As you will know I was head boy at Eton and the next year the headmaster had to come out to the school gates cos I wouldn’t leave and kept watching it with binoculars and still, like, leaving comments on their website and stuff, and I was like, “can I stay forever” and then it got genuinely embarrassing. I was in floods of tears and I was like ‘nooooo’ and the new first year boys were arriving with their parents. It really was embarrassing.
Well, I’m sorry to say that it was me who last week updated the school wikipedia entry to say that King Henry VI was a stupid idiot and that Anthony Little MA is a stupid idiot. And I’m sorry that it was me too. So, soooo sorry. Bear in mind that I’m thirty now! I left twelve years ago!
For this (‘that’?), I am sorry. I did it because I believe that to be a great man one must somehow be involved with something great even if one doth become but a minor nuisance to said great thing.
I, apologise
Hi fi sci fi. Why? Because it rhymes and rhyme is equal to reason.
Hello, welcome to my zine. I believe that sci-fi, or more properly science-fi, can teach us about the human experience of the human condition, and aliens and cool spaceships too. That is why I have created this cool weblog (to share my stories). I wrote this story in 2005 during my emotional period (because all my pets died on the same day because my uncle had a funny five minutes and shot them all). I hope that you can enjoy it and that some good can come of that difficult time. Please enjoy…
The Search for the Left Edge
The key is in the circle of 8s. The key is in your heart. I’ve never spoken with more emotion.
Part I: The real map of the world.
In what sense is the world round? Because some guy sails one way and comes back the other way? Is it not possible that the man from the other way is merely an exact copy of the man going the other other way?
Every time I went ‘around the world’ I noticed slight but fundamental changes in the nature of the place. My mother seemed slightly more irate in every new version. I knew it was not the same but a replica. I continued to search for one half of the two mysteries: what is left and what is right?
Figure 1. Have you ever noticed how the floor is flat yet they still try to pretend the world is round. They lie. This is a more accurate map of the world. The two problems are the poles and the photos from space. All explorers are lie tellers. This map uses the now outmoded and deeply offensive name Birrel Quarrel instead of Birrel Quabble.
I have been searching for the left edge for ten years. I have sailed by banana boat. I have flown by banana plane. I have eaten an orange. At 5am on January 1st 2012 I found it. I found the land of Birrel Quabble and the left edge.
Part II: Birrel Quabble; The Land Outside Reason.
Figure 2. The inside of Birrel Quabble. This imagery is heavily influenced by the Shirley Pet Massacre and the nightmares that preceded and proceeded it.
The return journey was a nightmare.
My thoughts are with you at this sad time. The sadness of realising the truths my stories reveal.
SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS
Oh my gosh, this is simply outrageous!
This image is best enjoyed to the sound of ***.
Please enjoy this image ***,
Edinburgh DVD on sale now
My 2011 Edinburgh show, Philosophical Investigations, is now available on DVD for the incredible price of 10 pounds. I have made DVD cases out of left over flyers and then burnt a PDF of the script on to an Intenso 4.70 Gb DVD-R disc using the Sonic RecordNow! software on my Toshiba Satellite Pro.
I am releasing a limited run of 1000. This is your chance to own a piece of performance art history. I have also thrown in a pirate mp3 of Jessie J’s absurd Price Tag song.
My fans are the most important thing to me. P&P £2.50.
Good night,
Edinburgh 2011 summary
The 2011 smash flop, Philosophical Investigations, has today come to an end.
Figure 1. Conventional cameras can not capture the sublime performance of Raph Shirley.
The show of which The Telegraph said nothing at all, the show nominated for under 1 awards, the five star masterpiece (five one star reviews from audience comment website edfringe.com) has finished with a faintly audible plop.
Figure 2. Raph Shirley sensitively discussing the role of Islam in the West.
Highlights
- For me the highlight has to be an extremely angry man yelling ‘call me soft of mind again and I’ll knock your fucking head off’. If that’s not the reaction every comedian wants I don’t know what is.
- Or perhaps the show performed to three silent octogenarians?
- What of the various people who found it ‘deeply offensive’? Including the American lady who kindly inquired ‘Have you been doing this for long?’.
Whatever your favourite moment is, remember:
‘Any logically coherent doctrine will always be painful to current prejudices’ – Bertrand Russell.
Edinburgh 2012 is in the making and promises to be even more confusing to audiences everywhere.
Be ready,
Warning – everything below this point is written in earnest. The lack of irony and cynicism may make you want to vomit. Please proceed with caution.
Thank you very much to Peter Buckley-Hill, everyone involved with organising PBH’s Free Fringe 2011, and the kind staff at Rush Bar who helped me throughout the festival.
Cheers,
Raph Shirley, Edinburgh, August 2011.