Category Archives: searing political satire

Swift/Johnson/Shirley

On being a slightly fat man

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Being a poem that is in no way autobiographical.

When the necessity to bathe rears its smelly head.
When the pants demand their weekly shed.
When all hope is dread,
The slightly fat man must wash and watch his disappointments unfold.

The water whets his willy’s desires,
And he is compelled to exercise his limbs asymmetrically.
His ugly scene as regularly seen as obscene,
As all his dreams gurgle down the shower’s throat.

The towel cuddles his brimming skin,
But can’t keep up his manifold chin.
Redemption lies beyond the checkout from Gateshead Travelodge.

Any resemblance to actual persons is purely coincidental.

Cheers,

My eye

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I’m going to talk about my eye. For just over three years the pictures it has been showing me have degraded into a dull ache now. A soft, mild brown blur. Even things like a crying child seem to bore me. I’ve been to the doctor. He says that it is a common problem and that he can prescribe some sort of palliative drug that will intensify colours.

After a week of trying the new drug I can see in more detail but the overwhelming feeling is still one of mild displeasure. Finally the doctor suggests an investigative operation in combination with weekly video sessions in which I can be shown extreme pornography that has been developed by NHS researchers. Initially, the images are only vaguely distressing. After three weeks of this he decides that it is time to strip away the outer layers of my face, remove the eye ball and insert a new one that has been donated by a schizophrenic with the opposite problem.

The whole thing has been a complete palava. I’m fed up with it and say
– I’ll keep the old eye on the left. I’ll put the other down to experience.
– Fair enough, a lot of people find that to be a better solution, he says.

Chill out m8,

The remarkable achievements attained in the field of neuroscience

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The current state of the art is described and critiqued. Avenues for further work are set forth and discussed. A prediction is made.

Using only one single five million dollar functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, Professor Veronica Smith produces a picture of my brain. Over coffee she talks me through the picture and explains her latest results, which suggests that thinking is not done in the brain, as commonly thought, but rather is done by the kidneys. In turn she believes that the main function of the brain is to ‘clean the blood’ and ‘frazzle the bejazzle out of snazzle-pops’. I’m visiting the Department of Cognitive Science at University College Hospital along with a handful of other journalists drawn by the seemingly rash claims of the group.


Early primitive attempt to render character visible, alongside a more accurate modern version (of gubbins).

Professor Smith has managed to impose a complete use of the passive voice upon all her employees in order to develop what she calls a ‘pure science’. By speaking entirely in this rudimentary language composed of subject predicate object triangle sentences she claims to have removed any possibility of error or evil. We are drinking some liquid brain fuel when the Professor presents me with a peculiar triangle sentence suggesting that our bodies might be too strange. Instead she suggests she may be able to ‘blend’ us into a sphere, or at the very least some sort of cuboid.

I’m given permission to speak to a number of other members of the group, each of whom reveal startling facts about the nature of research taking place in the building. There seems to be a complex ecosystem of men and women forming a large super-hierarchy. Money is dripping in to the mouth of Professor Smith and is trickling down over a champagne glass tower of employment. At ground level a base layer of humanoid foundations holds the entire structure. Using the triangle forms to bind the humanoids, Smith has crafted a congealed mass of brain organs supported by super brains and sub brains, with snacks fetched by the body brains.

“It is now possible to measure which, if any, regions of the brain are alive during a quiz while showing the subject photographs of a kitten in peril” – Dr Smurthwaite.

As each flesh unit morphs to spheroid the pyramid smothers into shape. The sides become slides to ejections and incepts leaving flaming gasses oozing from the cracks. It is a sight to behold and goes some way to explaining the remarkable achievements that have been made here. The future of Neuroscience is in safe hands!

Yours in truth,

Terminator X: Abomination

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One of the major advantages of running your own zine is that you get to work with some great geeks. One day while I was hangin’ out in Forbidden Planet I was recognised (eugghh) by a fellow weblogger. He knew all too well the ongoing battle between me and SexyPete99. Don’t worry, he’s on our side! Anyway we got to chattin’ over a mocha at the local independent coffee house (he had a cappuchino) (Has Beans, Guildford high street – check it out).

He knew a lot more about computer programming than I do (and I know alot – coding for one of the largest solar panel installation companies in the South East has some effect bro) and he said he could set up a special webzone to allow opensource writing projects. Err, yes please! This is the result. Enjoy!!

Terminator X: Abomination

‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.’ – Leviticus 20:13, King James Bible.

Thuds and cracks flash over the sky casting a shimmering blue light over the Terminator’s rippling, scarred, and massive pectoral muscles. I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten since May, which was almost two days ago now, and even then it was some rat’s brother. I wondered if the machine really needed all that living tissue over his metal endoskeleton. Could some be spared for a barbecue? From somewhere you never see like his anus? “You must sleep, the human resistance depends on you John, you have a long day tomorrow” said the machine, coyly. I said I knew he was right and asked if he could try to catch another rat in the morn. “Affirmative” he said, coyly.

It must have been another two hours before I awoke again. This time it was a huge cannon fire on the horizon. The machine tutted, coyly. To my surprise he lay behind me, spooning. “What are you doing?” I demanded. “Survival probability is increased if humans are kept warm at night”. For a second I thought I detected… flirtation? No, surely not. I laid back down and shut my eyes. “Do you have… needs?”. “I require a constant power source, and can only operate between 100 and 1000 degrees Kelvin and…” I cut him off. “No… I mean… sexual needs” he paused. “I was programmed to be asexual, however it is possible to reset the motherboard” My mouth dropped, coyly. “The original infantry models were homosexual but they were withdrawn after the catastrophe of the omega wars” My eyes literally popped open. “Since then we were programmed to not ask nor tell” I couldn’t believe it.

The battle against the machines is a long and arduous campaign and every soldier needs some R and R. But this? This was shocking. I’ve seen a lot o’ things since the nuclear war. But this?! I mean, it is his job to maximise the chances of the resistance. If that means improving my mental health and making me a more effective leader then… But this?!?!

Suddenly, everything started to fit together. That is why I sent him back in time! My husband is the only person I can trust to protect me. And he knew the whole time! The whole time? The whole time. We were married in the morning and lived happily for 3 short years before it was time to send him back. We had lost the war. Sending him back was my last act as leader of the resistance before we set off the Cyberdyne global destruction device and everything was gone. Somehow the eternal cycle seemed good enough. Those three years of marital bliss with that kind man were worth the annihilation of mankind. Because if a machine can learn the value of the institution of gay marriage… maybe we can too.

“We sent Lot and he said to his people, ‘How can you practice this outrage? No other people has done so before. You lust after men rather than women! You transgress all bounds!’ The only response his people gave was to say [to one another], ‘Drive them out of your town! These men want to keep themselves chaste!’ We saved him and his kinfolk – Apart from his wife who stayed behind – and We showered upon [the rest of] them a rain [of destruction]. See the fate of the evildoers.” – 7.80-7.84 Qu’ran, translated by M. A. S. Abdel Haleem.

The End.

And SexyPete99 thought T1 was better! Unbelievable!

We’re currently working on a TNG prequel. Watch this space!

Live long and prosper,

The disgusting nature and exploits of the rose

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In which I set forth the vulgar behaviour of the garden rose and ask that we reconsider our love affair with it lest we be dragged into the filth along with.

One doesn’t need to invent devils to witness the true horror of the world. One need only look in the garden to see the murder and chaos. The bleak terror of the roses’ perverse interspecies sex acts. The red light to young insect. The invitation to oblivion. And mine own heart is drawn by the flower whores. I have taken from the cup of nature and had my soul torn.

And it is science that has revealed these nightmares of the universe. The harlots! The mistresses of thorn, seducers of bee, and ruin of man. Off with her dead head!

Your humble advisor,

The twentieth century: a pantomime

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I have just been commissioned by Surrey County Council to write the 2011 Guildford pantomime. I have decided to write a light hearted look at the twentieth century. There will be one minute for every year.

The characters:

  • The dame – capitalism
  • The villain – totalitarianism
  • The hero – democracy
  • The love interest – socialism

Plot summary:

The show will consist of ten scenes, one for each decade. For each new decade the dame will get a new dress. The final scene will be a cocktail party on the roof of the twin towers.

News flash – Surrey County Council has just cancelled the contract.

Possible solutions to the global energy problem

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It is a little known fact that over 99.999% of the world’s energy is currently consumed by other people. It is also true that over half of all other people are in an other country. That’s why I’m arguing that we need to expend a lot more effort reducing other countries’ energy demands and less reducing our insignificant own. This must be achieved through a number of schemes and we have to get away from the notion that it can be done purely through total war.

While all against all may be able to account for perhaps 80% reductions in consumption/population, the last 20% could be significantly harder to eradicate. And the remainder will not be solved through serial killers. They make significant contributions to the problem of global warming yes, but they can never take off on a grand scale. The Toyota Prius has often boasted that it is ‘almost as much good as one percent of one percent of one percent of Jack the Ripper’, but the truth is he could have done so much more if it weren’t for the petty legislation handed down to us by Whitehall. It stifles murderers and it harms the environment.

Nuclear holocaust has been a controversial solution and I’d rather not get bogged down in the arguments for and against it here. It is a red herring. Really, what we need is the forced abstinence of other people. That is why I’m asking for an outright ban on opposite sex marriage. Is it not unnatural that up and down the country, people continue to produce further people or what I call ‘carbon multipliers’?

Consider suicide.

Your children’s inheritance will be a cleaner, greener planet if other people’s children aren’t there to ruin it for them. With a little perseverance and a lot of camp we can make this the last human generation and leave a perfect world for all posterity.

Am I too moderate? We must seek to reduce not just the impact of human life but of all life. Our brothers and sisters the deer and the snail, and our fathers and mothers the oak and the pine; all shall be curbed! And then we shall leave a perfect sphere with all its mould and moss forever destroyed.

Yours in earnest,

Made irrelevant

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Dear Mr Shirley,

I regret to inform you (yes, I am aware of the absurdity of pre-emptively regretting something I am about to do) that we are unable to offer you a position at this time/ever. Unfortunately, we give preference to applicants who do not do ‘their impressions’ at interview. Furthermore, your recreation of the voice from Disney Blu-ray adverts was not as accurate as you had promised and too esoteric.

In addition to the reason already given, which would be enough in itself, we also do not hire people who have recently been made redundant and certainly not those who have been made irrelevant by us. If I remember correctly, you were made irrelevant after repeatedly referring to our high grade fuel as ‘the black docter’, which is probably racist, definitely spelt wrong, and most importantly, utterly non-sensical. We do not tolerate that sort of shit in this organisation.

Once again, I apologise for the unfortunate incident of me having to bring you this bad news at this sad time in the current economic climate.

Yours sincerely,

Peter Voser

CEO/Head Cleaner
Shell Oil PLC

Shell Oil is an equal opportunities employer (except for morons who are given slightly reduced opportunities). Present this rejection letter at one of our many stations and receive 10% off any fuel purchase; simply quote “loser’s deal”.

Our Lady

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The first family circular.

As a lot of you know, 1 has been a tumultuous year for the Christ family. In January, Joseph’s cries of foul play were eventually silenced by An Explanation based around frottage, and things seemed to be on the up. The lack of affordable housing continues to add to our woes but The Precocious Little Brat seems happy enough – He got his grade 8 piano in Feb! It can’t be all that bad!! March was as dull as a dodo; a simile operating on the fact that the dodo is a common bird of little interest, as is the case at this time.


Figure 1. The Little Bugger as Lamb. Raph Shirley, ink on paper, A4, 2010.

In April I felt the “wise” men had outstayed their welcome rather. Awkward! In May Gabriel was in town for a work do and tensions with Joseph flared up again but I managed to keep things calm mainly by pointing behind Joseph and saying “What’s that?” whenever Gabriel was around. By the way, Luke doesn’t know what he is talking about. If “nothing is impossible with God” then it must be possible for him to write an impossible riddle. Paradox! Q.E.D. – Luke is full of it. June was an absolute nightmare if I’m honest. We were audited because Joseph wrote “Yes please!” on the census (that was old hat in -6!), and of course a lot of the receipts were revealed as fakes. How many times did I tell him to keep the amounts realistic? (5). Forty pieces of silver for one bit of unleavened bread! July to November is probably too much to avoid this getting a little tired. check out Mathew’s blog for some great stories from those days. I feel he overuses the word begat but what do I know.

And then of course December. Has it really been a year?! I write this while watching His birthday party. Joseph got him socks and was smited. Joseph is going off on one about being Put Upon and the whole thing is a nasty scene. Unfortunately, the party is mainly a washout due to the massacre of the innocents. Anyway, I hope you are well and I wish you all the best for 2.

Yours smug,

Mary Christ.

Woman makes strange sound in conversation

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A 34 year old woman today made an unusual sound in a conversation with friends. The confused onlookers refrained from querying the woman’s meaning for fear of “embarrassment”.

“It was a sort of short high pitched steam train’s toot” – Darren, 35. A number of leading sceptics have suggested it might have been a sign of incredulity or bemusement.

Despite communicating very little it did cause Darren to have a mild and short lived burst of giggles. “I really didn’t know what she meant and then I just started to consider the sound which appeared more and more absurd to me”.

According to an international speaker, sounds like this should be celebrated and we must try not to be prejudiced against them. “People will often embellish their conversations with wordless noises. Although I will admit, it can sometimes be hard to figure out exactly what they mean”.

Cheers,

Is it possible…

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… to be into politics and talk about it without being a total dick?

No. Probably not. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. Today, as you probably know, there is a waning gibbous moon. But that’s not what I’m talking about today (when it’s in a waning gibbous phase, the moon rises some hours after sunset and glows like a full moon when it’s near the horizon. But the shape of this moon is less than full).

No. What really makes today the day of all days is that today I will once and for all put to rest the issue of the meaning of life. I wont solve it, just put it to rest for a bit. Are you still here? If so you have just put up with three false starts. Either you really have very little to be getting on with or you have a misplaced hope that something mildly amusing may be on the horizon.

Nothing.

More blogging on the way soon,

Internet satirists create hoax news story

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Students yesterday produced a fake news item about the recent burqa banning debacle. The twenty year old at the centre of the shocking parody seemed to be showing a gross lack of respect for all parties concerned. News of the blog post went straight to the PM and reverberations have since been felt in the UN and NATO.

Speaking at a meeting set up to debate the full meaning of the piece, David Cameron spoke of being troubled by the author’s ‘deep irony’. This, mixed with an ill-considered liberal viewpoint, made the stinging criticisms in the article particularly potent.

‘We just wanted to really get to the heart of the matter by exposing the idiocy of the media storm’ – Jon, 23. Equivalent French students had responded to a similar debate in earnest. ‘That’s just not the way we do things in England, we like to avoid embarrassment by applying irony so liberally the reader gets lost in a nonsensical whirlwind’. Ambitious.

Reporting live from the internet,

Church synod allows Jewish bishops

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The Church of England’s ruling synod has decided that all bishops must be at least 20% Jew, but there are further steps to take before they can be ordained.

Despite criticisms that this was ‘almost as stupid as Christianity itself’ mad churchey types everywhere agreed that the current system was anti-Semitic.

Rowan Williams remarked ‘if it’s good enough for Jesus it’s good enough for bishop[s]’, to which newly bishopped Aaron Adelstein replied ‘Jesus? That tawdry street performer?’.

Since the Catholic church allowed a non-celibate Muslim, ‘Randy’ Rawahah, to be The Pope last yeah the Church of England has been under increasing pressure from pressure group’s such as Steven Spielberg’s ‘The Church of Hitler more like’. This follows Spielberg’s recent revelation that the Ralph Fiennes character in Schindler’s List was actually a subtle allegory of The Church of England.

But while this flippant parody fizzles out it is important to stress that there are arguments on both sides… of the argument:

If The Church of England can’t be racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semite, idiotic,… etc, who can be?

I’m satired of this shit,

The Labour leadership

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Hello Labourites,

It has been well documented of late that Labour did not win the last election. The Labour Party (oxymoron), is now looking for a new leader. I shall be giving a low down on those seeking to lead.

David Milliband
This man is actually a slug moulded into the shape of a man and controlled by a small bee in the toe shaped region of the slug. That is not true but it may as well be because as we all know, slugs might make good grub in survival situations but they are no politicians. Milliband gave me a kiss once but I didn’t want to take it any further because he made me puke over himself. Vote Milliband!

Ed Milliband
This brother is one thousandth of The Beatles. That was a lame pun but this guy is lamer still. He believes in capital punishment. You have to spend an hour talking on msn LIKE THIS!

Ed Balls
Despite the popular misconception, Ed Balls actually doesn’t have a silly name. He does have a silly head and body though and should not be trusted around children or adults.

Diane Abbott
This one is fucking mental. Seriously. On the plus side she is both black, and female, and an MP, and someone who’s name is Diane. A rare combination indeed. Will her novelty features allow her to avoid embarrassing questions about her loony sensibilities?

UPDATE – Andy Burnham – UPDATE
Oops, Andy didn’t make the original list. This is categorically not due to the sloppy management of a sloopy blog. It was definitely an intentional and subtle allusion to his lack of presence in the campaign. I am convinced he is a robot and that he will kill us all if elected or if not. UPDATE 2: just realised I did one of those shit jokes where you go I’m not doing something I’m evidently doing. Sorry about that. It won’t happen again.

Who should I vote for? I’m thinking Abbott. That seems like the most sarcastic vote.

Thoughts?