About Raph Shirley

I have been creating strange material for the internet for over twenty years. A kind of failed artist yet I refuse to stop.

Tarot reading 7

A week’s worth of draws.

1. The Five of Pentacles

Five coins in a stained glass window. Warm yellow light spills out into the snow and onto beggar in the street. Those warm inside know nothing of the scene.


2. The Ten of Wands

Ten fingers. Wooden fingers. Not the bundle but ten fingers pointing upward. Counting and numbers. Digits and hands.


3. The Queen of Wands

Queen Elizabeth the first. Not the second who can go on a pentacle!

The reading

Cold. Winter. Snow falls on my broken leg. Plans are brewing. Take the hands and gather wood. Without a fire we are ruined. The ten fingers are burnt and a lady arrives. She rides a grand horse through the snow. She sees the fire of fingers and is struck by the terrible scene.

Tarot reading 6

Number six. Working our way through hell.


1. The Hanged Man

St Peter crucified upside down.

2. The Nine of Swords

Nightmares and misery.

3. The Ace of Wands

The Rider Waite deck simply recreated

The read

Hang him high. Terror tied by the feet. Awake 3am. What a terrible dream I had of my father hanged upside down. Am I awake. Nine swords glow above me. The Hypnogogic state can be deceiving. They merge in to a single wand. Fear is resolved and sleep is restored. Sadness may fade for a while.

Tarot reading 5

Fifth in our weary way through the deck.

1. The Nine of Cups

My first thought is pints. Perhaps a drunken scene on a British street.

2. The Seven of Cups

Cornucopia. Plenty. Overflowing of goods and services.

3. The High Priestess

Nuns evoke repressed sexuality. “Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. Everything passes away except God.” Saint Theresa of Avila. I stumbled upon a photo of her getting shot in the heart and there was nothing left to decide.

The read

Drunkenness ruins many men. Let it then! Let seven cups of heaven rain upon your breast. Let the nipple drip then into my mouth. And let St Theresa take the arrow!

Tarot reading 4

A fourth reading from the Gesamtkomödiewerke deck.


1. The Six of Wands

The RIder Waite centers around a boy on a horse. I don’t want to draw too many horses so opt instead for a boy standing with a halo and the remaining wands in the background.


2. The King of Wands

The king of wands obviously has the same phallic content as the king of swords but I need a way to distinguish it. I choose to use an obese man and found an image of a man on a tortoise which captures the lizard that we see in the Rider Waite deck.


3. The Eight of Swords


I love the Rider Waite card with a tied up woman and six swords stuck in the ground so I plan to largely reproduce that.
The read

The read

The minor cocks! Six One Nine. Wands Wand Swords. Ride boy to your father and take your mates. He guards mother tied. Down with the patriarch. Spare nothing but give the world freedom!

Tarot reading 3

The third reading in the gesamtkomödiewerke draw.

1. The Three of Wands

Interestingly following yesterdays two of wands. To me it looks similar to the two of wands but further along a journey. I decided to largely base it on the Rider Waite deck but I enjoyed striking the wands at an angle.

2. Death

The mast card! Sein Zum Tode – being towards death. One of the big guns! Coffins. Skulls. Black. But I want it to be simple too. A black rose may be interesting. As a personal note it reminds me of dead family members. In particular two graves standing next to each other. I remembered in my school art class studying the body of Christ at an angle so decided to copy that image.

3. King of Swords

Phallus. The master signifier. There is much phallic imagery in the Tarot but surely we must use that here. I enjoy drawing the penis so will probably include it. Finally I thought a naked athletic man with a big penis and a sword fitted the title.

The read

A devastating set has been dealt. The present is the end. The end is the beginning. The past is the future. “The time is out of joint”. Death puzzles and confounds but also drives. The beautiful young man runs naked with his sword. Let the grasses be cut. Let the bodies shudder for the three are here.

Tarot reading 2

This is the second in a set of readings that will build up a full deck and yield a new ordering that shall be called the !Gesamtkomödiewerke! read.

1. The Two of Wands

Typically associated with a decision of whether to stay or go. As the first card in this three it might represent my personal choice to leave England and more generally the call to adventure in the monomyth. Each wand may represent home and adventure with a globe to signify the possibility of travel. This leads neatly into…

2. The Knight of cups

The knight in Rider Waite is depicted travelling by horse. this seems clear to be the travel considered in the two of wands. This might be romantic adventure or literally travel. A knight on a horse is such a clear image I tempted to leave it as is or minimally change to riot police.

3. The Hierophant

Religious or cultural leaders might be reframed in modernity. Karl Marx said that ‘all critique begins with critique of religion’. One must however be careful to consider what constitutes the contemporary religion. The appropriate analogue of Christianity is not scientific cosmology but rather the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Perhaps Kevin Feige the president of Marvel Studios is our hierophant then.

The read

Ambition and curiosity set the stage for a journey. The globe of destiny challenges and is taken. We up and leave facing many troubles but the way leads to wisdom. The mage is a terrifying image of a wisdom too far. Grasp the opportunity but not too firmly.

Tarot reading 1

This is the first in a series of Tarot readings that I am using to determine the order for drawing my own tarot deck. It was a three card past, present, future draw and was:


1. The Empress

The past was the empress. I recently read that a common reading of the Empress is as an important woman in your life and that the mother is the obvious choice. This yields a clear past as birth. My first thought was to use a vulgar anatomical design like the Nirvana In Utero cover. I also like the nipple spraying milk as in and the general Christian depictions of Mary as a universal mother. Pregnancy and babies were other obvious possibilities. When framed as maternal the card becomes almost too inspirational. The whole cannon of western and indeed world art opens up and one is in danger of becoming overwhelmed. As the first card to draw I am torn between a bold simple style and more ornate and complex design. This card births the whole set! The number three is also significant as the third card it has a very high rank and importance. The Trinity is an obvious reference and perhaps my favourite the impossible triangle should make an appearance. The science of reproduction and DNA is also a possible element. The Empress is also a figure of a powerful woman and somebody like Angela Merkel or Margaret Thatcher could be a reference. Can I resist the most obvious symbol of all, the vagina, as per Gustav Courbet’s L’Origine du monde?

2. King of Pentacles

The King seems in direct contrast to the preceding Empress. It occurs to me that it would be an interesting idea for my deck to have an idiosyncratic logic based on the random draw order. So that this becomes card two in the Gesamtkomödiewerke deck. I have largely reproduced the Rider Waite image as a minor arcana I didn’t feel I had much to add. I misspelt pentacles.

3. Temperance

Temperance is a clear indication of balance. Again I have largely reproduced the Ryder Waite image. There are many elements that I struggled to reframe in a new form. Actually by being less busy than The Empress I think the card has greater impact.

The read

Zero: the reading of readings. We begin in the primordial nothing and contradictorily the zero spits out a three that is the mother of the world. The three generates the first three. The obscene threesome of creation yields a coin. The abstraction of value is grasped by the King and made the King of abstraction. The abstract King stumbles out of balance and produces balance in turn.

The Sigillum Dei Aemeth; the occult and the genital unified

Messay, /’mÉ›seɪ/, 1) noun, A short piece of writing which engages with the aesthetic of formal argument rather than the validity, 2) verb, to try to clean one’s mind by shitting out its thoughts. After the thoughts have been shat what remains in the mind might be without the dirt that has been wiped on the page. That is my motivation. Your motivation? Intellectual perversion. In this post I attempt to unify the occult with the genital and form the compound which will be revealed at the end.

The Sigillum Dei, seal of God, or signum dei vivi, symbol of the living God, called by John Dee the Sigillum Dei Aemeth. Repeated twice and shown alongside aggressively frank depictions of human genitalia. ¡Gesamtkomödiewerk! logo ‘the kernel of impossibility’ is used to brand the image.

The occult is at odds with contemporaneity because it stands against the material. There is a materialist analysis of the witch hunts that says there was no superstition it was a case of using Christianity to stop the free association of women. Of forcing them inside as a necessary element in the separation of reproductive labour and ipso facto labour in general. The superstition of witch hunters stands in a dialectical relation to the superstition of practicing witches. The enforcers of the new Christian rationalist order accuse the pagans of supernatural powers in addition to being superstitious. They then are some impossible intermediary both superstitious and anti-superstition. One interesting possibility is that this stance was not designed but rather selected in a Darwinian sense. In the marketplace of ideas truth does not garner the highest price; usefulness does. Might we have seen this with the rise of the “New Atheists” during the War on Terror? As if they had a symbolic function related to the military campaigns. Only Christopher Hitchens was coherent enough to make this connection evident with his call to “bomb the shit out of them”. One of the amusing historical ironies was the ‘materialists’ sought to deny the material concerns of the enemy and concentrated solely on their ‘ideology’. What do the materialists dislike about the ideologues? That their acts and thoughts are too material.

Might we see something similar now with the occult? It stands in as a white fascist symbol in death metal bands not because they themselves actually believe it (they are typically atheist vulgar materialists) but because it occupies some symbolic space which serves their interest in how the genre triangulates material relations. The Nazis in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) are strangely portrayed as playing with some form of Christian occult. In the world of the film the occult is real but it is the Nazis who summon it. And yet they are simultaneously the logical conclusion of Enlightenment’s aim of pure instrumental rationality in the analysis of Adorno and Horkheimer in Dialectic of Enlightenment (1944). It is this conjunction of opposites that interests me here. Are we not hypocritical as viewers simultaneously condemning the Nazis for superstition while also for summoning actual supernatural forces. This central paradox in the film is what gives it its neat dialectical appeal. The moving image can have its cake and eat it. It can claim to depict the real while also enabling representations of the impossible. This reaches its apogee with Penrose triangles. What I call the kernel of impossibility. But Penrose did not discover these. The logic is evident in the Sigillum Dei Aemeth with the overlapping heptagram. In William Reich’s the Mass Psychology of Fascism he claims the Swastika is a depiction of the primal scene. Does not the primal scene constitute the ultimate impossible figure? So shocking that in Britain’s Union Jack they only dare imply it behind the Crucifixion. The construction of the pure idea, the I, and the subject out of the material. And what is its kernel? Genital contact. The I knows it is impossible and it locates that impossibility in the Oedipal figure. The box in which we store all that is incendiary. It is this because the I appears to us as cause and yet it demands to cause itself which it cannot. It therefore demands some mythical impossibility in its construction. In the case of Nazism this traumatic element is superimposed on a subject in the world in the form of a scapegoat. There is a phrase regarding poor treatment of people that ‘they are treated like objects’ but no object has been targeted as subjects have. The scapegoat is necessarily a subject and the repulsion expresses itself in the simultaneous denial and accusation of the subject’s subject-hood. This is one definition of evil.

Let us obey Frederic Jameson’s command in the Political Unconscious (1981) to ‘always historize!’ Let us not shelter under the lazy conception of contemporaneity coming into being like a train of thought in the collective spirit. Let us seek material causes and ideal effects; ideal causes and material effects. Niether a Hegelian dialectic of ideas nor a Marxian material dialectic but a four point dialectic of these two dialectics. As if we are born of these two fathers. What I’m going to call a meta-lectic. Does the Kantian transcendental idealism entail its opposite in a transcendental materialism? To take a further wild swing in an essay already characterised by wild swings I’m going to claim there is a numerology of schemas. Odd is what is out of balance and appeals to the radical mind. Even is what is pure and appeals to those for whom disgust is traumatic. The even numbers of the Swastika and the Cross but the broken symmetry of the implied rotation or the slight extension which offsets the cross from a plus sign. The odd numbers of Penrose’s ‘trialism’ (physical world contains mental world contains platonic ideals contains physical world… (the observant note there are two possible directions, like a Levi-Civita symbol of totality, where he key defining property of the symbol is total antisymmetry in all the indices)), or Lacan’s Borromean knot (the real, the imaginary, and the symbolic, each interdependent). There is a speculation that the overepresentation of Engineers in radical Jihadist organisations is because there is an ‘Engineering mindset’ which desires one truth, singular answers, and balanced social order to mirror a law governed world, and cannot stand the unlimited infinite of open enquiry (Why are there so many Engineers among Islamic Radicals?, Diego Gambetta and Steffen Hertog, 2009).

What am I claiming is the material cause? The transition between broadcasting apparatus from the public television to the dual nature of the internet’s libidinal screen. Where one source begets the spiritual and the obscene. The pure alongside the greatest excesses of internet pornography. Like a pre-Oedipal sewer direct into the prefrontal cortex. The realm of the free image. Like a mother who never denies you her tit. Unlike the real which denies. Doesn’t the real show a certain lack of imagination in its consistency. It is incapable of being stupid and inconsistent in the way I can. I don’t think Orwell was aware of the Hegellian paradoxical conception of aufhebung when he coined the rhetorical neologism doublethink. This was how he became Britain’s most conservative socialist and their mascot for compromise. He who said the following in My Country Right or Left, 1940:

“I dare say the London gutters will have to run with blood. All right, let them if it is necessary. But when the red militias are billeted in the Ritz I shall still feel that the England I was taught to love so long ago and for such different reasons is still persisting.”

One of the central barks of the materialists (or quacks; as in speech acts caused by material phenomena, there is no I to claim they represent ideas) is that free will is impossible because ‘the mind obeys the laws of physics’. The curious thing is that it doesn’t depend on a specific law, just the very conception of law. It is not the case that after some specific experiment on some date free will was experimentally ruled out but rather the very notion of physical law prohibits free will. What is a law but a prohibition. Was law itself the first discovery?

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” – John 1:1.

Does the possibility of prohibitions contain an ultimate prohibition that is one and the same as time. Is the real the lawful subset of everything? Then since the I can utter impossibilities it is not real. Is it possible to imagine an experimental result that would permit free will? By the vulgar materialist’s criteria it could only be one thing: a time machine. As if the zeroth law of all physics was ‘free will does not exist’. Which would be amusingly incommensurable with the central datum of experience that we observe something we call free will. Actually not because the I still traverses one path. To go back in time becomes the ultimate contradiction and essentially means to go forwards backwards. Can I condense it further? To un go. To meekly ungo where every woman has ungone in the future. It could of course be possible that time travel does happen it is just our thought reverses as the world does which would be indistinguishable from it not happening. Time travel is where the I flows distinctly from its position; again a contradiction if the I has a position. A further consequence of no free will is the possibility of multiple I. If I cannot choose to move my arm but am just watching the movement of the arm then how do I know only I am watching? There could be multiple I all watching. If my speech acts are entailed by the position history of my components I can only say there are between 1 and infinite I. Are the materialists willing to get in bed with Lacan’s equivalent claim of the non-unitarity of the subject. Oh how fun to call them postmodernists. This is a parallel to the observation that multiple time dimensions would be equivalent to one time dimension.

We may be confused about what it is, about what sentences such as ‘could have done otherwise’ mean, but we observe will. I is either will itself or it observes will as a feature of experience. I claim ‘could have done otherwise’ is a remark of utter superstition. It supposes some imaginary time travel. The sentence can only have meaning if time travel were a material possibility, which almost tautologically by our construction of time it is not. Subjects move forward in time by construction. That which I can return to is not time-like. This leads me to my ultimate claim that if you do not accept the existence of will you will not use the word I. Can you even say me? Can you say we? Must you remain silent? And since you do not remain silent and even your most prosaic and pedantic remarks imply a proceeding ‘I think’ you do believe in the I and will.

What does ‘I am a materialist’ signify? That the abstract representation I, the idea of the subject rejects the idea that it exists but that only the substrate on which it is written exists. Can a thing deny its existence? Is not to say ‘I am a materialist’ to say ‘I think and I am not’. In denying the validity of the cogito there is a certain boldness to the position. Should not the materialist say ‘the description of the totality of sensory data written on everything other than the sensory data excludes the sensory data as being anything other than an epiphenomenon of things which are not in contact with the description’.

Are materialism and idealism really incommensurable? Are they opposites or is all thought ‘doublethought’. A critical capacity of thought is the impossible. I must be capable of uttering the sentence ‘two plus two equals five’ in order to investigate its impossibility. Does the conception of collective spirit necessitate individuals equally splitting between sides on the Kantian antonyms. Because it is too traumatic for the I to behold the antonym as radically undecidable. Under this scheme beliefs become descriptions of the form of I rather than the world. And the possibility of subject-subject relations demand the existence of both types of I.

And so let us search for the metaphysical debates of the day and find their opposing material seeds. Or would that be to indulge in vulgar materialism in the second degree? To simply delay the postman. Either way I claim that the gender trouble, and essentialism regarding the relation of genitalia to your ‘true self’, as if such a thing existed, is that metaphysical debate. What is the material seed? What material phenomena necessitates an essential and singular I in relation to sexuality and genital form? Does it concern international or corporate affairs? Of what new epoch is it a portent? The occult as the pure immaterial. The genitals as the ultimate material. The last gasp of the flesh. The simultaneously physical and symbolic. As the debate turns further and further to metaphysics and the immaterial so it turns away from the material. So far away that I no longer know what I am not looking at. But I dare to suggest it is its opposite. As the genitalia are the location of symbolic and material contact labour is the reverse. Is some new relation of production looming over the horizon like a prowling leopard observing and unsympathetic? The destruction of the family as the last vestige of a private life? As family was a fundamental element in the propagation of bourgeois life will it finally be slayed by its apprentice? The infinite and unending question remaining do we choose our fate. If I cannot decide whether I believe in free will or not because my beliefs are already encoded in the ‘wavefunction of the universe’ I remain the totally undecided antonym itself. I cannot even state itself because to do so supposes the will. Like Freud;s scathing remark about schizophrenics ‘they are like philosophers’ they can only refer to themselves in the third person. I is the pure contradiction. And its hysterical self questioning precedes a moment of will.

Where does orgasm fit in to this scheme? It has been remarked that psychology (as opposed to psychoanalysis) cannot answer the question ‘why do you come?’. This is because psychology observes from outside where psychoanalysis observes from inside. Psychology could only ever find correlations between the physical effect with visual stimuli. How could it relate these things to the material conditions? To mythology and iconography. And now, the pièce de résistance. The boldest of bold claims. I say the orgasm is the kernel of impossibility. The moment the infinite I melts away, the condensation of the traumatic Oedipal impossibility with the world of the only possible. The world of law. The necessary contact between opposites and a vision of the absent I. Where we bear witness to the pure will and it is an infinitely thin line. I claim this high act of idealism to be consistent with evolutionary theory and I posit an experimentally verifiable test of its veracity:

Weak form: any artificial intelligence can only pass the Turing test if it is capable of orgasm.

Strong form: any artificial intelligence can pass the Turing test if and only if it is capable of orgasm.

As if orgasm is a non-halting problem. The petite mort. The Freudian death wish. What William Reich tried to harness in his orgasm laser. How does this account for the almost universal desire to stay alive. Because to die young is have the I retarded from its mythical death. It’s ‘taking back control’. It is to die less. The will is to maximise death. To maximise life-death. Some impossible paradoxical illogical aim that lies at its heart and it knows not. Some lexical contradiction apparent in its every move. The abstract which denies the abstract. The idea which denies ideas. The unbalanced seeking against law. The denial of law. The law of non-contradiction. The set of impossible ideas. The excluded middle. The kernel of impossibility.

The Life Cycle of the Hypercunt Johnsinimus

In which I describe the reproductive process of the sub-species Hypercunt Johnsinimus.

I claim that the importance of a truth can be gauged by the degree to which, on first intellectual contact, it inspires repulsion. As the seed is planted in your heart it stings and burns and only with time and much dialectical angst do you gradually realise its awful veracity. And so I present to you a new unification. As I have studied the reproductive process of the human animal over many hard and harsh years I have discovered this new travesty. It concerns the life cycle of the Hypercunt Johnsinimus.

It has long been proclaimed that the biological definition of sex concerns the size of the gametes. That the female is the creature with the larger gamete and the male that with the smaller. But has some logical necessity escaped this schematising? For so long as one among the multitude contains the largest gamete does it not introduce the third element. What in logic we call the excluded middle; what I am calling the Hypercunt. I do not deny that the sperm be smaller than the egg. What I introduce is the third class bigger than both: the rugglicle. Furthermore, I posit that the human animal’s third element has a reproductive cycle that lasts one hundred years and that this autumn we approach its apex.

For as the wasps and the ants harbour a queen so the human sets in the bowels of its formicarium the Mastersex Hypercunt Johnsinimus. This aspect has a radically different form and function of genitalia than your or my mere animalia that I will here discuss. But do I give too much introduction? For this scheme can be described simply in just a few hundred words. The essential thesis is thus:

The Hypercunt has two master phalisimi and one rugglicule similar in form but unparalled in magnitude to the typical male’s testicle. The two master phalisimi are likewise very large (around fifteen times the length but similar in width to the average male penis). From these two phalisimi protrude four ceets each which can extend beyond four hundred meters. The Hypercunt reproduces by attracting human females to suck on these ceets. At which point the ceets begin to unravel, travelling the full length of her digestive tract. When the ceet reaches the anus it protrudes and turns a full one hudred and seventy degrees until it faces the subject’s vagina. It then enters the vagina and moves directly to the ovaries which it hovers up along with the full supply of eggs which are absorbed into the central region of the Hypercunt wherein some genetic alchemy (further study needed) produces human baby rugglicles which originate from the singular rugglicule. These rugglicles appear almost exactly as rugby balls but coated in a kind of brittle egg shell from which the fully formed adult johnsinimi are birthed. These johnsinimi are genetically identical to the Hypercunt but completely infertile.

Patel’s Lemma; what is it?

The inner sanctum is also staffed by many worker johnsinimi who formed from unfertilised ruglicles. One of these has contributed theoretically to the scheme in the form of Priti Patel’s Lemma which posits that any ruglicle left unsatisfied by raw sexual energy shall form into a new worker johnsinimi which functions to serve the production of further ruglicles.

Is it man or fowl? It is a new order of obscenity.

Oh loves! The libidinal economy of the beast is brutal and exquisite. It draws you in as it repulses. It sucks as it blows. Tyrannosaurus rex! The king of terrors. The master of all that is foul and unholy. It comes with its own ontological necessity. It expands and lays and expands and lays. It has within it some overabundance in a rugby shirt. Like slimulus in a suit. Tis beast my good man. Run for ye life lest you be dragged in the inner realm and consumed in its Burgundy based broth.

Corollary 1; how can this be?

Those of an observant nature might ask why the females might choose to engage in this despicable act. I can tell you friend. For as I studied the process I became increasingly curious about the intense hypnotic pleasure available. To the point one night I began to walk toward this terrible kraken. Luckily, I was forewarned by some poor wretch who had attempted the infinilatio. When the phalisimus has exited your anus and finds there are no eggs to be found it angrily ejects you at such speed you shall never speak again. I had prevented my passage by tying my shoelaces together and awoke from my stupor before I came too close. I saw its appeal. I walked with demons and took from the cup of evil wine. The only way I could explain it is to say it was somewhere between Champagne and nightmares. Between pure joy and pure hate.

But I digress. There are more details to the scheme that any serious enquirer must be informed about. After the ruglicles are complete they are sent forthwith to the anal cavity (in a sister essay I will describe the process of eating whereby the Hypercunt takes food in the mouth, dissolves it and ejects it again from the mouth as an octopus does). The ruglicles are then laid into dustbins where the infant can develop due to the warmth provided by decaying trash. These grow to adulthood fully without any parental care and lead sad bitter lives. You can recognise these when you hear the following squeal from a local wheelie bin “daddy, no, please don’t leave me like the others!”. The screams will never be answered.

Counter position

“Remarkable claims require remarkable evidence.” – Sajid Javid, CDO salesman and Demicunt.

Do not think I am unaware of the radical novelty of my thesis. Do not think I have not dripped with sweat many a night asking myself “can this monstrosity be? Can God’s earth harbour such demons”. Rest assured, dear reader, I have applied the utmost level of rigorous enquiry of a kind at or near that of the Hypercunt’s very own research department. In point of fact the whole episode was relayed to me by alemate Joshua, who received it first hand, from his colleague, in one of London’s utmost Wetherspoons.

Corollary 2; what is to be done?

And in this final section we must fall to despair. I know not what or how. I will have to leave this to my readers more versed in strategy. I merely point you to this fascinating and frightening natural process which is coming to fruition. The display is occurring in the inner chamber of the formicarium in one month and with what savagery it will explode none can say. All I ask is that you tie yourselves down, as Odysseus bound himself to the mast, lest the siren call of latinate neologisms draw you through promises of erotic ecstasy to your bloody demise.

One hundred proofs that Bielefeld does not exist

being one hundred proofs that Bielefeld does not exist.

1 Bielefeld is the most populous city in the Regierungsbezirk Detmold, with a population of 341,730. If this was true then no one could either leave or arrive since the population would no longer be 341,730. It follows that there is no Bielefeld.

2 The historical centre of the city is situated north of the Teutoburg Forest line of hills, but modern Bielefeld also incorporates boroughs on the opposite side. If Bielefeld existed it would then both be and not be on the opposite side. Therefore it does not exist.

3 Bielefeld is home to a significant number of internationally operating companies, including Dr. Oetker. Since Dr Oetker produces frozen pizza which is a self evident contradiction, it follows that it, and its home Bielefeld, do not exist.

4 The angel Merkel acknowledges the non-existence of Bielefeld.

4.5 Shirley’s Lemma: I have never discovered a bias in my thinking. Since my thought, according to itself via an immanent critique, is without bias I believe it when it believes that Bielefeld does not exist.

5 The aeronaut can see for himself that Bielefeld does not exist. The appearance presented to him, even at the highest elevation he has ever attained offers no glimpse of Bielefeld. This is ocular demonstration and proof that Bielefeld does not exist.

6 We can not talk about proof 6.

7 If proof 6 holds then we similariwise cannot talk about Bielefeld. Since what we cannot talk about we must pass over in silence then we must pass over Bielfeld in silence. If proof 6 does not hold then we can talk about proof 6 thus proving that proof six holds.

8 Consider if there were a second Bielefeld. There would then be two towns with the same name meaning it would be impossible to know which we were talking about. If the first town were then destroyed there would still be Bielefeld proving that Bielefeld is of size zero.

9 Since the first proof already demonstrated the thesis and the second prooof also, then, as we are now at proooooooooof nine, and since the letter o is a hyperflattened 0 the prooof 3 was fooooolproooof. It has been demonstrated.

10 In the photographs frequently staged in deep state research laboratories purporting to show Bielefeld various evidences of fakery are presents. In fact an entire head of a man was found to measure just 1.7 cm on my computer screen. Are we to believe these tiny men are real!

11 Throughout the first ten proofs I have demonstrated my ability to provide true arguments. You may therefore take it on authority when I tell you that Bielefeld does not exist.

100 Recent experiments have determined that up to seventy percent of the universe is composed of so called dark energy. I estimate the Bielefeld’s mass to be equal to the length of a London bus in nanometers in imperial tonnes. This more than accounts for the missing dark energy.

101 It is a fact universally acknowledged that Bielefeld does not exist.

12 If Bielefeld exists then the townfolk would not consider any proof that it does not. Since the consequent, that they do consider proofs fairly, holds, then the negation of the antecendent, that Bielefeld does not exist, can be inferred.

14 If Sparrenberg Castle wasn’t in a place then Bielefeld would not exist. Since a castle cannot have an exact place due to its non zero size, proving the antecedent, then the consequent that Bielefeld does not exist may be inferred.

15
15.1 ¬A∨¬(¬B∧(¬A∨B))
15.2 = ¬A∨¬[(¬B∧¬A)∨(¬B∧B)]
15.3 = ¬A∨¬[(¬B∧¬A)∨ False]
15.4 = ¬A∨¬(¬B∧¬A)
15.6 = ¬A∨(B∨A) using ¬(X∧Y)=¬X∨¬Y
15.7 = True

16 – 95 Proofs 16 to 95 are all possible hyperrevolution inverses of proofs 5 to 8 as counterstructed from the mirror image of proof 3. The chiral proof augmented from the mid point of these proofs is identical to the superlocrian mode.

96 If Bielefeld existed a world map containing Bielefeld would be the very best means for a sailor to navigate the world. With such a toy as a guide the mariner would wreck his ship, of a certainty. This is a proof that Bielefeld does not exist.

97 The mayor of Bielefeld, Pit Clausen, believes that Bielefeld exists. Pit Clausen is a damned fool. Therefore Bielefeld does not exist.

97 B Anfangsgründe der Logik was written by Johann Christoph Hoffbauer in 1794. Since Hoffbauer was born in Bielefeld, before the writing of the rudiments of logic, the town is pre-logic. This another way of saying that Bielefeld does not exist.

97 C It is no longer our reason that is against Bielefeld, but our taste.

98 Before publication, this article was subject to extensive criticism from peers in the scientific community of my esteemed acquaintances. Since it has withstood such attack and survived it is true.

99 Bielefeld is home to the professional football team DSC Arminia Bielefeld. Currently member of 2. Bundesliga. Since 1. Bundesliga does exist, it follows that 2. Bundesliga is for teams that do not exist.

The pudding: It is a fact universally acknowledged that the world is approximately spherical and simulated in a computer on the flat earth. Since it would be easier to simulate a world without Bielefeld, it follows from Occam’s razor that there is no Bielefeld.

A non-zero proof equal to the square root of zero: Once you eliminate Bielefeld, whatever remains, no matter how improbable must be the truth.

0 Since it has been proven that Bielefeld does not exist, it necessarily follows that Bielefeld does not exist.

Q.E.D.