Dear Mr Shirley,

I regret to inform you (yes, I am aware of the absurdity of pre-emptively regretting something I am about to do) that we are unable to offer you a position at this time/ever. Unfortunately, we give preference to applicants who do not do ‘their impressions’ at interview. Furthermore, your recreation of the voice from Disney Blu-ray adverts was not as accurate as you had promised and too esoteric.

In addition to the reason already given, which would be enough in itself, we also do not hire people who have recently been made redundant and certainly not those who have been made irrelevant by us. If I remember correctly, you were made irrelevant after repeatedly referring to our high grade fuel as ‘the black docter’, which is probably racist, definitely spelt wrong, and most importantly, utterly non-sensical. We do not tolerate that sort of shit in this organisation.

Once again, I apologise for the unfortunate incident of me having to bring you this bad news at this sad time in the current economic climate.

Yours sincerely,

Peter Voser

CEO/Head Cleaner
Shell Oil PLC

Shell Oil is an equal opportunities employer (except for morons who are given slightly reduced opportunities). Present this rejection letter at one of our many stations and receive 10% off any fuel purchase; simply quote “loser’s deal”.